Duplicity Inbox

[girod]

You've reached Clark Kent. I'm not here right now, unfortunately. Please leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thanks!

[text | audio | video | action | prose | etc.]

Comments

Re: Text, un: B

[girod]

It's something I'm going to discuss with her.

That I'd like both of us to discuss with her.

Re: Text, un: B

[knightbynight]

Why is this a risk you're willing to take?

Re: Text, un: B

[girod]

Anything else but this is a risk.

This is the least risky way.

Re: Text, un: B

[knightbynight]

[There is a pause this time, and when the answer comes... it's text but it's very much raw, honest, and vulnerable even if it doesn't seem that way - or wouldn't to most.]

I don't understand.

Re: Text, un: B

[girod]

[ And that more than anything tells him how important it is for him to explain this. ]

Bruce.

Emotional honesty is just as important as anything else with a partner. With all partners.

You. And Lois.

Feelings don't just go away because now they're inconvenient. And a relationship like this shouldn't just be put away because it's no longer necessary.

It was never necessary, Bruce.

I chose, *we* chose, to go this route because I have to believe both of us always wanted it and when we had the opportunity, when other factors weren't in play, we went for it.

We both know we could just fill our quotas and make our contracts with random people we'd never see again, people who we would lose as soon as we got home.

We didn't.

And I made that choice knowing that when I get back, my relationship with you (however the timeline works out) will be, *has to be* different.

Re: Text, un: B

[knightbynight]

You're reasoning and conclusions are both accurate and sound; you're right, about their being risk and almost everything else.

But while my decision here was in part a decision to take an opportunity, that decision didn't come with an expectation of long term change. I won't deny the possibility, but it isn't an expectation.

I can make, and have made, quota without you. My behavior with you here is very different than it would be without you. That was part of my choice, beyond desire or opportunity.

Re: Text, un: B

[girod]

It's not about an expectation of 'long term change', Bruce.

There is a change.

The form that change will take is what we're going to eventually have to figure out.

Re: Text, un: B

[knightbynight]

Fine. It wasn't an expectation of continuation or acknowledgement of anything that happens here.

And I contracted you because it keeps me from punching people in the face. I nearly refused more than the initial contracts on grounds of you deserving better, but do realize that wouldn't work on any level.

[girod]

I love you.

Romantically. As well as many other ways.

That will not stop being the case when we leave.

I love Lois. Also romantically. Also in many other ways.

When we are all in the same place, this will still be true. And the only way to be honest and fair to everyone involved, including Lois, is to be frank with her about those facts.

Going back to status quo when we get back is not an option for the health of all of the relationships involved. Especially because being with you here, knowing what it's like to express that love, to live in that space, is something I cannot just give up as a matter of course.

[knightbynight]

I can.

I will make as much effort as necessary not to, given that you've made what you need and want very clear and not doing so would surpass my own limits on being an asshole.

But I can, and I would if you had better sense. You deserve better.

You also deserve what you want. Hence the agreement on trying.

[girod]

I'm well aware of how much you're willing to give up for my happiness, Bruce.

And I wanted to make it clear how much my happiness relies on you not giving up on this relationship in this form.

You and Lois are the best people I know. There's a reason I feel the way I do.

I also know you don't see it. Which is why you're lucky I'm patient. :-)

[knightbynight]

What you are is a pain in the neck -- and a hammer.

[You win, Clark, because you know him and which buttons need to be pushed to get him to... stop fighting what he wants too.]

We're going to need to talk about sex at some point. More seriously than we've managed. It can wait.

[girod]

Do you want to do it like this?

[knightbynight]

Without looking you in the eye and pretending you can't read my emotions without seeing my face?

Yes.

[girod]

What do you want to talk about, then?

[knightbynight]

1. We don't have to have sex for me to love you, but what we're doing (or not doing) is frustrating me.

2. I'm leaning heavily into non-sexual, no contact masochism so I don't bring evidence of it home to you. At some point the 'no contact' portion of that is going to stop working for me, and we really should discuss that.

[girod]

[ There's a long pause. ]

Bruce.

I've wanted to fuck your legs off for months.

And you never had to do that.

We should talk about whether I'm involved in giving that to you. But you don't have to pretend it isn't something you need.

[knightbynight]

I am aware that my legs are only marginally functional according to Leslie, but I'd like to keep them attached, Clark.

[That's humor and he might have actually laughed when reading that first reply. Just a little, even at work]

My thoughts - and before you say it feelings - are conflicted on you being more involved than some roughness. And bringing home physical evidence of what I need is not the same as knowing it's there. Your needs in this matter.

[girod]

I know they matter. But I don't feel entitled to say what you can and can't do with your body. And I also need to know you feel like you can do what you want and need without restricting yourself for me.

This isn't going to be any worse or better than when I see a scar left over from a battle.

[knightbynight]

Yes it is.

[girod]

Why do you think that?

[knightbynight]

Because it is a wholly different scenario in every regard.

Any physical damage I take in a battle is either:
Recklessness disregard for my life, or active desire to end it

A considered decision that the damage I will take will be worthwhile. Often backed by total faith one of you - probably you - will get me out in time.

This isn't quite either of those. It is management of already existing dysfunction, but it is still the result of dysfunction. It is a decision, but it is a conscious decision that is both purely self-serving and largely excludes you.

And I'd like to remind you, that you aren't happy when I am injured in a battlefield scenario, either.

[girod]

Not all battles are fought outside.

I stand by what I said, Bruce.

[knightbynight]

You always do.

Now tell me what you want to do with this.

[1/2]

[girod]

Physical intimacy first.

I'd like to do a date night, you and I, in a couple of days.

Then we'll talk about the rest.